Some go this way, some go that way, I prefer the shortcut

it's like a car crash: sudden and to the point

2008-05-15T03:58:47Z

sunday morning, about 3 am, a coworker and friend, jonathan ryan christansen passed away in the hospital from complications from pneumonia.

i was shocked....i used to eat breakfast at village inn with this guy...it was ryan, the strange little gay dude with the biggest heart in the world.

it was the first thing i was hit with at work on monday morning....i wasn't even done with my coffee, had just barely sat done when i heard, "did you know ryan? he died yesterday."

and just because he was openly gay doesn't mean he had aids so all the idiots at work can shut their ignorant mouths...besides it doesn't matter what killed him, he's dead and now there's one less person in the world that i know, that i can talk to, that loves me and that just fucking sucks.

i'm still trying to comes to terms with it. he was an incredible spirit and i am so going to miss his raspy, 50 year old smoker woman voice in that tiny 30 something body.

damn it. i still have his card...his phone number was 505-eat-shit

see ya ryan.

is there a rule for this?

2008-05-12T03:40:31Z

ok, so dino and i broke up like a month ago (and we dated for less than 2 months, just keep that in mind)...this entire time he has been texting me asking me what it was going to take to give him another chance (fyi dino, groveling is sooooo not the way to go)...last night we hit critical mass....he even sent me a picture of his dog telling me how much she missed me....that's low buddy.

so finally he just asks if i'll ever give him another chance and i finally have to use the secret weapon, my response was no i'm interested in someone else....first he plays the martyred victim card telling me it's ok because all his girlfriends do this to him, then he gets pissed because he thinks that's the reason i broke up with him because, wow it was quick, too soon to be a coincidence

dude....we broke up weeks ago....and i never said when this interest in someone else started, it could have been yesterday for all you know...and all i said was that i was interested in someone, not dating, not sleeping with, just interested, he may not even know that i exist for all you know, it may not even be a man for all you know either....and don't treat me like a cheating bitch because i didn't cheat on you...i got over you quick is all and you helped me through that process by never giving it a rest!

yeah so what we never argued....that just means there was a ton of stuff i kept to myself...we had a great run so don't ruin those memories by being this guy....girls don't like this guy, we like that guy over there, the one we're suddenly interested in

i think a month is plenty of time to get over a 2 month relationship...it's not like i'm in another relationship because i didn't lie, i do like being single right now and i'm not trying to get myself all tangled up in a new relationship...don't assume you know things dino, it makes an ass out of you and me

a slower pace

2008-05-08T03:34:47Z

i'm doing really at well at not obsessing about something..."well" for me anyways...i tend to just dive right into the things that interest me until they don't interest me anymore....and i want this thing to interest me for a long time...and things are evolving at the right pace, i think, because it feels natural yet geographically constrained....but maybe that's good otherwise it might be over by now...and i'm doing really well with the level of ambiguity because it's crazy high but that doesn't feel bad either....pretty much i'm good with anything i feel that sustains it and i'm not getting instant gratification and there's no foreseeable meat space gratification and i only have my memories and audio to keep me going

hmm...maybe this post proves that i am obsessing...oh well...i am breaking a pattern though which is always a victory

not my intention

2008-05-07T03:51:58Z

it wasn't my intention to come off as a bitch to the ex boyfriend....i just have bad timing and no social filters, ask anyone.

so sorry dino...i'm glad we can both now agree that the relationship is securely over! :)

things that suck right now

2008-05-06T04:13:24Z

seriously, i'm not in a bad mood or anything....but there are some things that just suck right now....for example:

the day shift sucks...my roommate sucks...my house and living arrangement sucks...the ex boy sucks...waking up at 6am sucks....not having enough hours in the day to feel productive sucks...my cell phone sucks...this crappy internet connection that i pay too much for, along with the cable and land line that i never use (and if i'm lucky my roomie actually pays and doesn't pocket the money), all that sucks...not living alone sucks...vacuum cleaners suck...not knowing what i'm doing at work sucks...people that annoy me suck...being broke sucks...being late on bills sucks...being bored sucks...not getting what i want bites...and seeing other people get what i deserve blows

but like i said i'm not in a bad mood...i'm just tired...i have good things to look forward to as well....like new friends, learning my new job and doing it well, making more money, concentrating on making myself happy and being me

but things do suck, it was a hella busy day

orange lanyard

2008-05-01T06:42:16Z

i got a promotion at work...i'm an orange lanyard, so tomorrow starts my team lead training and i'll get a team of fuck ups all to myself

cool beans now i don't have to answer phones anymore

but i'll probably start drinking heavily to cope

cheers!

heartbreaker part 2

2008-05-01T06:36:30Z

even though i told dino we were taking a break i always meant a break that would last for forever...well he always thought i meant a break as in in the near future we would be together again and that would then turn into forever

so i had to tell him i didn't want to get back together...and in the one phrase crushed him yet again

but those of you who root for the underdog no fear! he's working to change my mind and become whatever i tell him to be....this has got to fucking stop.

now i'm starting to get pissed....dino, dude, please hate me, don't grovel....be a man, get over me by sleeping with some girl from work you know i hate or something like that, don't keep asking me what you can do to change my mind...i'm a sag and we go the opposite direction if we're told to do something...you should this know but then again we only went our for 2 months

arg.

i'm getting close to telling you exactly what really happened, don't push me

bye bye boyfriend

2008-04-27T05:00:24Z

so i'm getting the idea that boys handle break ups in a very similar yet completely opposite way than girls

at least in my experience girls work on themselves after a break up, reinvent themselves, get a new look and some new stuff, and decide who they are now

it would seem that boys go get some new stuff, keep themselves busy, do all the things that you wished they had done when you were dating, and project everything onto you (making you into the bitch, him into the victim and everyone wondering what really happened)

so in case you hadn't guessed it the boy and i didn't work out and this post worked alot better in my head before i had all the wine

sorry dino...i really am...we had a good run

my little friend?!?!

2008-04-27T04:28:12Z

i went to visit my friend janelle yesterday who is the mother of nathaniel, the love of my life...well this cute little red-headed 2 1/2 yr old came to a conclusion the other day

his quote was, "my penis is my friend"

this just seems like a very real turning point in his development

just thought i'd share

my bro the fireman

2008-04-07T17:26:43Z

my mom sent me this link....my brother is growing up....i'm so proud, i wish i had a cool job like his...

http://www.hillcountrynews.com/articles/2008/04/04/news/news33.txt

in need....

2008-04-02T17:39:38Z

i need a vacation....i need to get out of town and relax for a few days...but it has to be really cheap cuz i'm really broke

any suggestions?

downtown on a saturday night

2008-03-30T19:14:26Z

last night nique and i went to the saul williams show at ralli's (moved since the launchpad decided to lose a wall in the golden west fire). the show was great. i saw my friend josh and we met bizza, the drummer for the band dragons of zynth (the opening act for saul)

we stood outside for maybe an hour trying to get in since the bar was small and they were at capacity so the start of the show we heard from the sidewalk and we totally missed dragons of zynth

wandering around downtown after the show i ran into work people and probably discovered their scandal (management dating peons, oooh how naughty)

we decided to eat at the frontier since they close at 1 am now....it was good times

just to say i did it

2008-03-23T01:43:00Z

Hey Dino!!!

look here!....RIGHT here!

this is me...blogging about you...ok....are you ready?!?!

here goes....dino is the sweetest guy ever....and he's cute....and i'm really lucky to have such a wonderful boyfriend...luv ya baby!

so we good now?

;-)

happy drinks

2008-03-18T08:12:07Z

irish car bombs are the bomb!

love and peace out

green love day

2008-03-17T18:34:29Z

happy saint patrick's day everyone!

if you haven't read it, read "how the irish saved civilization"....it's a wonderful history book and makes you want to be irish

sorry guys, i'm a bit tired....the new boy and the tv series "jericho" have been keeping me up for the past several days

and more about the boy later

the vacuum cleaner attacked me, really

2008-03-06T09:36:45Z

so does anyone know of a way to get rid of a hickie or am i gonna have to wait this one out?

they should not be let out

2008-03-04T05:38:45Z

i went downtown on saturday night...the pulse closed down a few weeks ago....so without this gay club buffer gay boys are free to roam among the general population...i have decided this is tragic, they should be kept in their own section of club-ville and they really shouldn't mix with all the macho straight guys downtown

i say this more for their protection because you have to understand one thing about gay boys.....they have attitude and drama

straight boys are not equipped to deal with this kind of emotional range from anything buy pretty yet bitchy girls and i hate to see gay boys get their ass kicked by some straight guy who can barely spell his name yet can bench press 300 lbs.

and you know there's a problem when i'll gladly stand in line just for the chance to knock some peroxide blonde queen on his ass with one punch because he's being a dick and not following bar rules

gay boys in straight clubs are not fabulous...i need to open another gay bar in town, just to keep all the little pretty boys safe

was it the alcohol?

2008-03-01T12:28:41Z

so how many drinks do you get before you can say, "it was the alcohol, really" in justifying how many coworkers you kissed at one party?!?!

what happens at the after-party stays at the after-party, right?!

what party?

exactly.

sunday night

2008-02-25T00:31:59Z

it's sunday night....a new episode of "the l word" comes on tonight....it's something i always look forward to....there's nothing like a lesbian drama to get my week started off right

reality bites

2008-02-21T06:36:26Z

if only i could live out the life i have playing in my head....damn, the world would be in trouble

yet another way to expose myself

2008-02-18T20:23:24Z

so i broke down and got a profile on facebook.....i said i never would and i went ahead and did it....just like i said i would shun myspace for all eternity and all eternity turned out to be about a month

so yeah, facebook.....livejournal is my true love though

but i'm just not a morning person

2008-02-05T20:20:03Z

in a month

2008-02-05T20:12:33Z

during the month of january i:

*moved into downtown into an old house with my personal trainer wynne, her big dog bear and her 3 big cats

*paid the irs $300 because it would have cost me more to fight it

*at work i helped with training a new crop of cna agents and i'll be doing ti again in another 2 weeks or so

*didn't really work out very much

*partied a bit too much but it was fun

*was in a general stressed out funk that i hope will be lifting soon because i'm bored

....carry on....

the last dream on 20007

2007-12-31T19:20:45Z

so 2007 will end in my mind with a dream about zombies.....that seems fitting somehow

a transmutation

2007-12-27T21:29:43Z

alright people i'm in need of some advice here.....have any of you had a good friendship turn into a romantic relationship? how exactly does that process happen and do you have any tips for treading those rocky seas?

i've got a close friendship with someone and it seems to be taking the turn towards a love relationship and i have no idea what to do....i totally want to go there but at the same time we run the risk of ruining the relationship we already have

of course neither one of us has brought the subject up because our relationship gets complicated quick, there are external factors that i'm not going to go into here

when we go out it feels like we're dating, not just friends having lunch....and it's a very supportive and equal relationship, no competition or jealousy.....and people have started to ask questions about it but there's nothing to say really

i've known this person for quite a while, thru previous relationships, and we've just lately started connecting on an entirely different level

i've never had a friendship grow into something more so this is completely unchartered territory for me

how do i know if it's all in my head or not? we're both very guarded about it but hints get dropped all the time and text flirting is rampant

any advice? maybe this will be a kick ass new year ;-)